


the four seasons of you

by katsuk1



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 14:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8060656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsuk1/pseuds/katsuk1
Summary: nothing in the world could've ever prepared me for how hard it would be to lose you.





	

**Author's Note:**

> told in mark's pov!! i decided to try something new im sorry if it sucks ://

_**summer** _

Summer was the season of newly made memories and late night adventures that never seemed to end. It was the season of new experiences and wasted time on things that didn’t matter. 

It was the season I first fell in love with you the way I did and maybe that’s why summer will always be my favourite time of year. 

Summer was the season I saw you as who you were and not someone you shoved in front of you to show the rest of the world. 

Nothing in the entire universe could ever replace your early morning grins and your disheveled hair being a mess atop your head. No words could describe your beauty and how simply _ethereal_ you looked in the sunlight that managed to make it through your worn-down curtains. 

Everything was platonic, the hand holding, the hugging but I knew somehow that all the emotions warped up inside my head and my heart were anything but platonic. They were overwhelming and poisonous but none of it was platonic. 

To me, you were a work of art. A stunning visual of something I could never have but always wanted. You’re my best friend. Were. _Were_ my best friend. I keep telling myself to use past tense but I can’t come to the conclusion that you’re not here anymore. You’re still here right? You don’t have to answer that. 

I remember the first time I ever thought of you as more than my best friend. 

Remember that campfire Jisung managed to make? At the beach we had to drag you to? You looked annoyed when Chenle stared at you with wide eyes and a big pout but I saw the smile creeping onto your face as soon as he did so. You always had a soft spot for him. I don’t think he ever found out until it was too late. 

You had a lot of fun that day. More fun than I’ve ever seen you experience. You got pushed into the water a couple of times but you always got back up and pushed us back. I’m really going to miss seeing you do that. 

We spent the entire day running around that dumb beach. I couldn’t understand why it was abandoned. It wasn’t broken. The waters were a subtle blue. The sand was a warm shade of caramel. The sun still shone bright. I didn’t understand how beautiful things could be so alone but you made me realize that the _most_ beautiful things are the loneliest ones. 

We ran around that place, throwing frisbees and building sandcastles until we were all too tired to function. Jisung only got up because you threw a frisbee onto his stomach and asked him to help you make a fire. He whined your name and said he was far too tired but you yanked him up and dragged him over to grab some wood and a lighter. You poked him with a stick and he giggled, shoving you into the sand. You just laughed and brushed yourself off, piling the wood you two gathered in the middle of our circle. You set it ablaze and it lit up in front of us in an almost magical way. Your eyes glimmered as you stared down at the crackling fire and I remember Jaemin making some joke about how you set the wood ablaze like you set my heart on fire and you laughed loudly, eyes crinkling into crescents. 

You told him to shut up and I did too. We always made jokes like this but at that moment, I don’t think any of them were jokes anymore. 

I made sure to ride beside you on the bus back home. I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off you but all you were staring at was the cars passing us by outside your window under the dimly lit streets. 

I wish you were looking back at me.

Why weren’t you looking back at me?

 

_**autumn**_

Autumn was the season I fell even deeper. As school began, my feelings increased and they soon overwhelmed me until I thought of nothing but you. It scared me then and it scares me now. You’re haunting but it’s what I love about you. 

Autumn allowed me to sit with you during lunch in the loud cafeteria. It allowed me to steal food from your plate which made you hit my shoulder and steal food from my plate. You won’t ever be able to do that again, huh? 

School was always a pain but we managed to get through it together. You were the only reason I didn’t flunk all my classes. Messing around in the library was always fun with you.

We would always end up in detention for it but detention was fun with you too. Everything was fun with you. You made everything better. 

You’d point at pictures in textbooks and claim that it looked exactly like me. I would laugh and curse at you and proceed to do the same until we began to laugh too loud and got kicked out. 

You’d take my hand in yours and lead me to a destination that I was unaware of but it didn’t matter where we went as long as we were together, right? 

You used to grab my hand everyday and drag me somewhere but one day, it began to change. 

You’d take my hand and hold it.

Our fingers laced together so delicately and hesitantly but you’d start the job and I’d finish it. It was different but it wasn’t bad. That was the first day my heart got stuck in my throat. It was the first day you started looking me in the eyes in a different way. 

We’d camp out in the park with junk food and joke about how the boys would be mad at us if they knew about our adventures without them. Everybody at school called us the Lost Boys. They called us that because we had no goal in life. Our only goal was to live and be youthful while we could. They said I was Peter Pan and you were Wendy. It still makes me laugh to this day. I wish our situation was different sometimes. 

I wish I was different sometimes.

I always had a thing for taking pictures. Remember that? Of course you do. I would take pictures of you at the most random times but they all ended up beautiful. You hated them but I loved them.

My favourite one is the one of you sat on the park bench we held hands on. You stared out to the horizon with a mesmerized expression. The orange and withered leaves fell to the ground around you, surrounding you in the most delicate and soft hurricane possible.

I fell with them.

 

_**winter**_

You were the most breathtaking in winter. You were always breathtaking but everything about winter seemed to amplify your beauty by a thousand. 

Your rosy cheeks reddened more under the harsh winter wind but you stayed soft despite the air that threatened to freeze you. Your eyes shone as you watched snowflakes cascade from the sky and fall into the palm of your hand. They melted instantly but more came through and I knew that If I didn’t drag you inside, you would’ve stayed out there forever. Your hand would always be cold but my hands would warm yours up. You liked taking my hands in yours and shoving them in your coat pocket.

I remember watching you collapse in the cold snow, rolling around it like a little kid. The snow would get in your hair and you’d sit up and whine about how your ‘beautiful hair’ was messed up now. I’d laugh in your face and throw more snow on you. 

We had our first kiss this season, didn’t we? 

It was on Christmas day if I’m not mistaken.

You arrived at my door with your hands behind your back and you told me to guess what my present was. I said you didn’t have to get me anything but you ignored my statement and told me to guess. I grinned and shrugged. You rolled your eyes and said that you were my present jokingly. 

I don’t know why I kissed you in that moment but I did.

Maybe it’s the way your smile was big enough to reach your eyes. Maybe it’s the way your voice sounded so heavenly and so you. Maybe it’s the way the snow fell so delicately above you and made you look like something out of a fairytale. 

Whatever it was, it made me want to kiss you.

So I did.

I grabbed your face in mine and pressed my lips to yours. I felt you tense up but you slowly snaked your arms around my waist and we stayed like that for a long time. Your icy face slowly became warmer under my touch and nothing mattered at that moment in time. 

When I pulled back your eyes were still closed and your arms remained around my waist until you had to go. 

Before you left I told you that you were the best present I’ve ever received. You glared and blushed (or was that from the cold?) and hit me on my arm, telling me to stop joking.

I wasn’t joking. 

 

_**spring**_

Spring is my least favourite season. 

It was the season I first told you I loved you. 

That isn’t the reason I hate spring.

I was glad I told you I loved you before I couldn’t. 

It was one of those Friday nights you decided to sneak over and slip inside my bed without a sound. Your body heat pressed up against mine in an almost unbearable way, both of us overheating but I don’t think we ever minded. 

I told you I loved you in the middle of the night.

Your head was buried in my chest and even though I couldn’t see your face, I knew you were awake. You were mindlessly tracing patterns on my back, shifting slightly every so often, careful not to wake me. My fingers ran through your hair as an attempt to get you to still your restless mind but it just seemed to make you more relentless, throwing your leg over mine. Your fingers began tracing words that I couldn’t make out and I could hear your heart racing. I felt mine race too. 

The words slipped from my mouth before I could think but if you ask me if I regretted it, my answer will always be no. 

I didn’t expect you to say anything back.

But you did. 

It was a hushed whisper, muffled by the material of my shirt but I heard it loud and clear. You tangled your fingers into my shirt and pulled me closer. 

“I love you too, Mark.”

 

Spring’s the season you left me. 

I always thought of spring as the season to start things anew. I just never thought it’d be this hard. 

But it’s always hard having someone leave you, isn’t it?

It’s hard having something you think will be with you forever, suddenly be taken away from you in front of your eyes. 

I never liked seeing you cry.

Seeing you cry broke my heart. 

It never happened often but when it did, it hurt the both of us. 

Do me a favour, Donghyuck?

Stop crying.

Please.

I hate hearing your cries and I hate seeing the other boys holding back tears as they tried to comfort you.

They’d whisper things like:

_“It’s gonna be okay, Hyuck.”_

_“It’s okay, it’s okay…”_

and

_“He’s in a better place now.”_

but it made you cry harder.

Their voices would crack and their hands would tremble.

Jaemin doesn’t smile as often as he used to, does he? His eyes stopped sparkling. Tell him to be happier for me, would you? Tell all of them to be happier for me. Please.

I’m sorry I’m not there to wipe away any of your tears.

I’m sorry I’m not there to lead you out of this mess like the Peter Pan you all needed me to be. 

Don’t visit me here anymore.

This place is full of nothing but depression and heartache. 

So get out of here and explore the world for me. 

Do everything you wanted to do.

Pretend I’m there if you need to but don’t do it for long.

You have to survive without me, okay?

I love you. 

I love all of you.

But you, Lee Donghyuck?

I love you the most.

 

With love,

 

Mark Lee.


End file.
